Jobs I Could Never Do

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

(just a funny little creative non-fiction essay thing I started working on this rainy afternoon)

1.      Hand Model
Causes: multitude of small burn marks scattered across hands due to hurried and unprofessional attempts at food-making, anxiety-induced picking of cuticle skin to create (often bleeding) wounds, and the complete inability to keep nail polish looking polished for more than seven minutes.

2.      Otter Trainer
Causes: not a result of distaste for otters, heavens forbid, but due to the highly probable termination from said job as a result of lack of focus, prolonged joyous weeping, and repeated attempts at stealing the otters.  

3.      Dolphin Trainer
Causes: see above.

4.      Greenhouse Employee
Causes: all prior attempts at plant ownership and care have resulted in untimely plant demise.

5.      Coffin Tester
Causes: intense fear of both small enclosed spaces, and death. (and of anyone who would hire someone to be a coffin tester...)

6.      Garbage Person
Causes: does not like things that smell bad, dirty things, or being dirty.

7.      Fashion Designer
Causes: past atrocities such as excessive color matching, denim on denim, cutting shoulder pads out of 80’s clothes to make them “trendy”, mismatched patterns, and creating an outfit of entirely thrift store purchases.

8.      Anything That Involves Hard Math
Causes: utter hatred of math and all that it stands for.

9.      Someone Who Walks Places in a Graceful Manner
Causes: trips daily and no longer even notices it, nonchalantly almost eats shit frequently on all manner of walking surfaces.

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